The Words shared by My Parent Which Helped Me when I became a First-Time Dad

"I think I was simply trying to survive for a year."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of being a father.

But the truth quickly became "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was thrust into becoming her main carer while also taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get assistance. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His situation is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. While people is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a broader reluctance to communicate among men, who still internalise negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of weakness to request help. I didn't do that quick enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to request a pause - going on a few days abroad, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "bad actions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he notes. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that allowed you to feel like you before becoming a parent. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, staying active and when you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the messy ones, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the best way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - managing the frustrations constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, at times I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you on life, but actually, it's a dialogue. I'm learning as much as you are in this journey."